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To brighten up your day....

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Fastcar:
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something  was wrong. I got
  downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
  breathing!.
 
  I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………Then I remembered
  Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30. 


Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the  light switched
  off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s
  burning my @rse”.



After both suffering from depression for a while, me  and the wife were
  going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
  killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
  it….soldier on. 

Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.
 
  Dear Phil
  I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car
  stalled and wouldn’t start.
  I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year
  old babysitter.
  They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
  Can you help me…I’m desperate.
 
  Dear Reader
  The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is
  dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
  Phil.  I hope they made you all laugh as much as I did

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